I, Myna Shelton, am a criminal investigator in the office of the county prosecutor. I deal in murder, arson and other felonies. I am an ex-postmaster and was once a secretary to the governor of my state. For seven years, I was active in show business as a singer and dancer in vaudeville and nightclubs. Despite the fact that I am a grandmother, I am proficient in the art of Judo. I swear that the above statement is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Signed, Myna Shelton
HILDY: #1: Difference between a felony and a misdemeanor? The misdemeanor is not as great an offense as a felony. A felony would leads to imprisonment in state prison. #3: What county are you in the office of prosecutor? Nassau County in Long Island
DICK: “From tan to anemic” #3: What do you have to do to own a revolver or automatic pistol in this state? This is a stumper #2: Same question You have to have a gun permit…that’s all the time for now
POLLY: #1: How do you address a governor? Mr. Governor or Your Excellency #2: Same Question H.G., which means Big Governor?
JOHN: #1: The difference between judo and jujitsu? Judo could kill a man by hitting a certain nerve #3: Which is the most deadly? John moves on to #2, who says Judo #2: What state are you secretary to the Governor? New Jersey, name of Robert Minor. #1 can’t answer in time.
HILBY: #1: Where’s the Statehouse? Trenton, New Jersey, under Gov. Hoffman several years ago. #1: What did you do in show business? Sing, but not well enough, so she had to take up judo.
DICK: #1: If I was a fourth offender and I was picked up for robbery what would that be? “You’d have to rob the warden boy, you’d be out of this world forever” #2: Would registration of a revolver in the state be legal? Not sure about the laws in New York
POLLY: #3: How do YOU address the Governor? “Your Excellency” #3: Who is the second-in-command to a governor? Blank #1: Same question A Lieutenant Governor #1: Have you ever had any personal contact with a governor? “I Sure have, wanna hear about it?”
JOHN: #1: Where were you a Postmaster? Rockville, Maryland How large is Rockville? She’s not sure, but she does know it’s the county seat of Montgomery County How many postal carriers? Not sure about the question HILBY: #2: How many grandchildren do you have? “Oh, I have one!” sounds confused. #3 also says one, but #1 says three. Just ran out of time for their ages.
VOTING TIME:
Polly: #1 (“The one I Think it is or the one I’m sure it isn’t”) John: #1 Hilby: #3 Dick: #1
THE REAL MYRNA SHELTON IS: #2 ($1,000)
And Polly felt the sweep coming. Hilby questions her about how she didn’t know about Lieutenant Governor. She was thinking of his name before the bell rang. And what about H.G.? Harold G Hoffman. Tomorrow, Myrna’s starting civil service, starting as a secretary in and for the County Prosecutor’s Office.
#1: Gussie Mitchell, bridal consultant in China and Silver with Charles Schwartz and Sons in D.C. and Silver Springs
#3: Dorothy Munster, works as an exclusive dress shop in NYC (not sure of the name)
SECOND GUEST: Tom Joseph
I, Tom Joseph, was born and raised in Texas. I am now a member of the Texas State Legislature. After my discharge from the service, I attended college under the G.I. bill and graduated with a degree in agriculture. I started with $350 and before I was 30 years I controlled more than $1 Million worth of real estate, had an interest in several oil wells, was Chairman of the board of Three Banks and Director of two others. At one time, I received over six hundred proposals of marriage which in no way accounts for the face that I got married three days ago and now in New York on my Honeymoon. I swear that the above statement is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Signed, Tom Joseph
POLLY: #1: Does the government have any sort of tax benefit for oil investments? A 27.5% depletion income tax #2: Any other benefits? “Everything the government does for us depletes the resources”
JOHN: #3: What about these marriage proposals? “After we brought in Charlie Three from Lubbock, he threw a party with an emcee from Hollywood. It aired on TV where Tom was asked if he’d like a gorgeous wife with all those millions? Proposals came in in just a week”
HILBY: #1: Who takes care of your money? The IRS handles the most of it. #2: How did Texas vote in the last election? Democratic
DICK: #1: What is the chief byproduct of oil? Petrochemicals, which includes gasoline of course. #2: What is the largest byproduct? “Money brother, is there any other” Number #3 agrees.
POLLY: #3: What’s the best investment you ever made? “My Wife” AAAAWWWWW! #2: What is your capacity in the State Legislature? “Senator” and Polly doesn’t know much about Senators
JOHN: #3: “What is the capital of Texas?” Austin, but he was born in Brownwood #3: “Where’s the Panhandle” In the North, and Amarillo is there. #1: Where were you born? Not just Texas, Houston What’s the Largest Town in Texas now? Houston #2: Same question: “Being Born in Dallas, I hate to say it out loud” “What do you think of Fort Worth?” It’s the Jumping-off place to West Texas. He was born in Dallas
HILBY: #3: “What is Rotation Planning?” A system where you don’t deplete the land by using too much of the minerals by rotating crops. And if you’re lucky you’ll get oil out of the hole. #2: “Who is the head of the legislature” Too much of a challenge to answer right away.
DICK: #1: “Did you marry one of the 600 proposals?” Oh sure, and she wasn’t a Texas girl. She’s from Mississippi.
VOTING TIME
Polly: #3 (Going the other way this timE) John: #3 Hilby: #3 Dick: #3
THE REAL TOM JOSEPH IS… #1 (Polly’s hunch)
#2: W.G. Foster, Minister in Florence, SC
#3: Red Evans, songwriter and news publisher and he loves the new accent. In fact, Polly recently recorded one of his songs. He just missed the session.
O: Bonita Williams (Santa Ana, CA, originally from Nashville with Bahamian accent, former Navy Petty Officer, now a flight operator for major airline) X: Calvin Rolling (Hanover, PA, high school guidance counselor, married to elem. teacher)
Round 1
Calvin Starts 1 Paul: In English, we know the three daughters of Zeus are Joy, Bloom and Brilliance. Together, they are known as the three what? “Little Pigs” Guess: The Three Muses Calvin agrees O (Three Graces) 2 Marilyn and Billy: True or False? The man who wrote “Easter Parade” and “White Christmas” was Jewish. Guess: True Bonita agrees O (Irving Berlin) 3 Phyllis Diller to block: She’s wearing a choker, calling it a tiara worn low. Question: Who’s the famous artist known for capturing the gay life in Paris? Guess: Toulouse-Latrec Calvin agrees X
Prize for Round 1: Chromcraft Dinette Set ($1,200+)
4 Garrett aka Chico Escuela: What does it mean when a baseball player fans? Guess: Walks Bonita agrees X (Strikes Out) 5 Robert: On Television, his buddies include Mr. Moose, Grandfather Clock and Bunny Rabbit. Who is it? “Paul Lynde” No Guess (Captain Kangaroo) After Narcissus jilted Echo, who did he fall in love with? Robert’s rusty in mythology, although he studied at Paloma College. Paloma is the goddess of fruit. Calvin disagrees O 6 Tom to win: According to studies at Brown University, there are really only two odors that we consider good and clean. One is pine, what’s the other? Tom: “A Danish” Peter: “A Sweet Roll?” Tom: “No, a Danish Flight Attendant” “Has Paul Lynde been taken?” Guess: Fresh Air Bonita agrees X (Lemon) 7 Foster: How many days will uncooked poultry keep fresh? “We’ll never know, because when we open the refrigerator, it flew away.” Guess: 3 Days (Foster knows cooking) Calvin agrees O (4 Days) 8 Elayne for 5-Square Win: According to the Cleveland Plane Dealer, out of every 10 women, how many are overweight? “So hard to tell.” ” I guess you know you’re fat if your nightgown is pulling in CENSORED” Guess: 6 Bonita disagrees WIN! (8 out of 10)
Round 2 Prize: Hamilton Charterole Grandfather Clock ($1,800+)
Today’s Big Winner: * Trip to Kauai (1wk.@ Hanalai Bay, Airfare via Western) * Botany 500 Men’s Wardrobe * Skyway 8pc. Luggage * Catalina His/Her Active Wear * Fujica AX 35mm SLR Camera
Bonita starts 1 Paul: In his first term, Nixon was a minority president. What does that mean? “He was Chinese” Guess: He had the minority of votes and was still elected Bonita agrees O (Less Than 50% of the Vote) 2 Tom: According to the L.A. Times, when travelling in the Arctic, eskimos usually stop every hour or so and do something. What do they do? “Make Igloo” Guess: They Eat Calvin agrees O (Brew Tea) 3 Robert to win: The date, June 17th, 1972. The Place, Washington D.C.. You are there. What famous event is going on. Guess: Kennedy took office Bonita disagrees WIN! (Watergate Hotel was broken into)
Round 3 Prize: Admiral Fridge/Freezer, Gas Range and Dishwasher ($1,700+)
Calvin starts 1 Paul: If you have high blood pressure, there’s something that you’re probably going to have to learn to do without. What is it? “Old Age” Guess: Salt Calvin agrees X 2 Phyllis Davis: According to Ask Beth (a column), if you think a guy has asked you out because you have large bust measurements, should you still go out with this fella? Guess: “I would” Bonita agrees (“Me Too” from Foster) O (It’s the only way to know) 3 Phyllis Diller: According to doctors, how long will the average facelift last before it starts to sag again? “You’re looking at it” Phyllis had on and her own dog didn’t know her. That is, until he ate and threw up his dinner. Guess: 5-10 years Calvin agrees X 4 Marilyn and Billy to block: Back in the 60s, hitchhike, jerk and monkey were all what? Marilyn says it’s before her time. Guess: Dances Bonita agrees O 5 Robert: One of the most famous quotes in history was when American soldiers said “Lafayette, We Are Here” Where were they? “At the Kennedy Inauguration in 1972” Guess: American Revolution Calvin agrees O (Coming to the aid of France during WWI) 5 Garrett: What does it mean to talk turkey? “Are you trying to be insulting?” Guess:
Video cuts off here. If anyone knows about the rest of the episode, drop me a line.
Images of game board based on original by FromEquestria2LA on Deviantart.
Hollywood Squares is owned by King World Productions a part of CBS Media Ventures.
Ah, but Arlene all of those things I have done, none of them compares with working with you on What’s My Line? and the rest of our very charming panel.
What things?? We don’t know, Buzzr clipped the intro again.
FIRST GUEST: Rufus Harley (Philadelphia, PA)
He’s self-employed and deals with a service.
Soupy: With what you’re wearing, would that have to do with what you do? (Afro-centric outfit) It IS what he wears, but it’s not necessary $5 Meredith: Do you work for a profit-making organization? Forgot the self-employed bit, she gets a pass. Can your services be provided for both men and women? Yes Do you entertain people in any way? Yes Indoors more than outdoors? Both, though mostly indoors. Not important, though. Do people watch you? Yes You don’t touch people in any way? No means Yes Do you hold anything in your hand? Yes Can you perform on a nightclub stage? Yes When you have this thing in your hand, can you also move it away? Yes Are you a juggler? No $10 Gene: Does who he do involve music? Yes Is his instrument in the string family? No $15 Arlene: Is it a pipe? Hmmmm, yes Do you hold it in your mouth? Yes Something other than the flute? Yes Would knowing the instrument be essential? Yes “An instrument that we are not so accustomed to seeing in our orchestra?” Yes In the Kazoo Family? No $20 Soupy, going through all of what Arlene has found out: Are you a clarinet player? No $25 Meredith: The instrument longer than a whistle? Yes Do you play a recorder and cobras come up? No $30 Gene: An instrument that the Western World is familiar with? Yes 30 second warning Is it a recorder? No $35 Arlene with a final question: Does your costume bely the quality of the instrument, by that I mean is it anything like a bagpipe…
ARLENE DOES IT AGAIN! Yes, Rufus PLAYS BAGPIPES, Jazz bagpipe. He’s part of a four-piece combo and the American Federation of Musicians. Plus, he’s the only Left-Handed Bagpiper And of course, we have a performance.
SECOND GUEST: Bob Krugman (Chicago, IL)
He’s self-employed and deals with a product.
Arlene: Would I be interested in your product? Possibly Be interested for a man? No $5 Soupy: Would it be good for an animal? No $10 Meredith: Does your product come in contact with the body? Yes Is it other than clothing? Absolutely not (No Means NO this time) $15 Gene: Is it an expensive product?
Does it change the appearance of the individual involved? Hopefully In the cosmetic field? No $20 Arlene: Is it anything in the massage field? No $25 Soupy: Benefit from the body up? Sometimes “I’m beginning to understand you” Soupy Passes Meredith: When someone wears this product, can you see it? Yes it’s not undergarments Is it an accessory rather than a whole thing? No $30 Gene: Is it made of animal substances? Sometimes Can also be made out of plastics? In the broad sense A harness? No $35 Arlene: Would I be interested in buying for an animal? No $40 Soupy: Would a woman wear this more than a man? Definitely, Passes Again Meredith (who was thinking Strait Jacket at one point): is it a bikini bathing suit? No $45 Gene: Is it decorative? Yes Do you design the ones you make? Yes Is it made of fabrics? Yes Are they NOT utilitarian? Yes means NO! Game over
Arlene would’ve gotten it: Bob makes MATERNITY CLOTHES, owner and designer of Plus One. Or Plus One Etc. depending on how many children a mother has. Before this, he was a stage actor and rock singer.
MYSTERY GUEST
Wally figures it’s okay to cut the panel 30 seconds, since this one is so well known. (2 1/2 Minutes Total)
Meredith: Are you in the entertainment business? “You might say that” (Sounds like Paul Lynde) Gene: Are you primarily an actor? No Arlene: Are you in the theater? No Soupy: Are you known mostly for television? “Sort of” Meredith: Have you ever had your own television series? Yes Gene: Do you sing? “Sort of” (Deep-voiced) Arlene: Are you singing someplace around New York at the present time? Yes (About to burst) Soupy: Would this be in a nightclub? Yes and No Meredith: Are you also known for your recordings? Yes Gene guesses Mel Torme…RIGHT!
Mel was nervous after he did an interview with Patrick O’Neal. When O’Neal asked about lunch, Mel let him know off the record. Pat joked that he was on the panel. Soupy talks about a special Mel did with the Marty Page Group. Gene was amazed Mel could disguise his voice.
Closing: Looking back on the past week, Wally points out some great highlights. Soupy learning Yoga, Meredith’s father as a mystery guest and Arlene’s amazing skills. She doesn’t take all the credit for the work.
Host: Monty Hall Featuring: Brian Cummings and Karen LaPierre
THREE PLAYERS: Patti Gray (banana), Bo Benson (baboon), and Sarah Knapp (shocking pink crayon)
There’s a fresh, crisp $1 bill for each of our group. However, they could turn into a lot money with the Fantastic Money Machine. It’ll turns dollar bills into other bills, $100; $500, maybe a Thousand. Patti can go first OR can buy Curtain #3 for that little dollar. She’s sure to get a supply of Os-Cal Calcium. That’s enough for her to buy. Had that dollar gone through the machine, it would’ve become…a THOUSAND DOLLAR BILL. Patti does have the calcium and more…CALCIUM STRAIGHT FROM THE FARM. MOO!
Bo can try the Money Machine unless the comet box interests him. He wants the money machine. Inside the box a Vitamaster Pro 1000 Exercise Bike and Hitachi 13″ TV ($1,019.95) “But you went for the dough, Beau” And the singleton is now…$500. Now for Sarah: The Money Machine or Curtain #1? She takes the curtain. The Money Machine was still on the $500 setting. Too late, Sarah’s won herself… TWO PUNK ROCKERS (chairs)
NEXT TRADER: Sheila Pierre (Bumblebee)
Monty has two things for Sheila, but she can only have one: A Teddy Roosevelt Series EE Savings Bond or a can of Jolly Time Popcorn. The audience says Popcorn, but Sheila takes the bond. Monique, seated in front of Sheila, gets the can. Inside…just popcorn! The audience was wrong! Sheila can still trade that bond for the diamond box. NOPE! It would’ve been…a White-Westinghouse 17 cu. ft. Fridge/Freezer filled Bright & Early Drink ($864.95) Monique has spilled the popcorn all over the floor! All because she didn’t trust Monty Hall! SURPRISE!
Back to Sheila, she guesses the Teddy Roosevelt is worth “couple of thousand”. Is it worth trading for the small box? The bee keeps her money, honey. In Brian’s Box…A PANDA PLUSHIE.
So how much is that bond worth? We’ll open it…
DOOR #4
People Picker: #34
Millie Perry (red hula girl)
Same drill, take the BIG CASH behind Door #4 or take this behind Curtain #3: A Konica CV301 Video Camera and Panasonic Portable Video Recorder ($1,549). Millie says, “I’m a gambler” Open the Door:
$ 2 3 9 9!
She’s happy and so is her son, the farmer. We’ll she give him some of the money? “I might”
And Sheila, we didn’t forget to open the bond…we’re just not going to do it yet.
NEXT COUPLE: Earl and Margie Eddy (fireman in overalls and a chef respectively)
And they brought cookies!! That won’t help them in this deal. What the Eddys need is $7 to buy this: $7 A Volkswagen Sports Coupe ($13,441)
$1: 3.5 oz. Sanwa Ramen Soup within 30 cents. Guess: 49¢ ARP: 49¢ $2: Near East Rice Pilaf (7 oz.) within 40 cents. Guess: 79¢ ARP: 89¢ $3: Pearl Drops Smokers Tooth Polish 3 oz. within $1 Guess: $2.50 ARP: $4.03 (No harm, no fowl) $4: True Value 3pc. Cutlery within $2 Guess: $40
First, Monty has more than $7 for the Eddy now. $200, if they give up on the car. $300…$350…$375…$400…$425…$450…$475…$500 DONE!
ARP: $29.95 (All good)
RECAP
Millie
$2,399
Bo
$500
Earl & Maggie
$500
Patti
BUM STEER
Sarah
HOY! HOY!
Sheila
???
BIG DEAL OF THE DAY: $8,183
Sheila decides to pass up the three doors for that pic of Teddy Roosevelt. The Eddys and Bo step up with same amount. SNEAK PEEK:
Good eatings from KFC. What else? We’ll find out after…
Stylish Catalina His/Her Active Wear, Nike Sneakers and Apparel and Helbros His/Her Watches (3 each) ($1,295) And trying all that on is…no one.
Something less active, a Simmons Hide-a-Bed and Sharp Component Stereo & 19″ TV. ($2,847) That’s a good time for…the Eddys.
And to top off Bo’s big meal…a Schaefer & Sons Californian Grand Piano. He dabbles a little, but Monty will help with lessons…a check for $1,750 ($8,183)
Sheila gets one last offer, $500 for the bond. Well, she’s come this far, so the bond it is. At maturity value: $1,000! But who has time for maturity? The bank of Hall will pay it right now.
Total Winnings: $14,429
Quickie Deals: Monique, who spilled the Jolly Time, can get $100 for two lipsticks. She only gets $50
The image of the three doors is from cwashington2019 on Deviantart.
Carol Burnett and Mary-Louise Canot (Huntington Beach, CA) ($200) vs. Ross Martin (The Wild Wild West) and Paul Sickler (Sherman Oaks, CA, teaches High School English)
10 (to win): PIANO-ORCHESTRA 9: OPENING-CONCERTO 8 (to win): STEINWAY-RECITAL 7: ELEGEANCE-CONCERT 6 (to win): UPRIGHT-GRAND Up to $300
Paul, sadly, has flunked out.
LIGHTNING ROUND #1
YORTY-MAYOR FALSE-TRUE (counts as TRUTH) SODA-POP MOUSE-CAT, BIGGER-RAT RAT-MOUSE $250 in 22.5 sec. (The audience’s laughter gave it away as much as Carol)
Came close to the record of 12 sec. by Peter Lawford. “Oh, he’s a cheater!”
Next group:
Carol and Richard Robert (Le Mesa, CA, account executive with major brokerage firm) vs Ross and Jo-Ellen Katz (Santa Monica, CA, into refurnishing old furniture and traveling)
GAME #1: WORD #1-Carol to Richard
10 points: WHISTLE-SHRILL 9: BEEP-TWEET 8: BOAT-FOGHORN (And Carol now has a perfect clue) 7: TRAIN-TOOT “Rooty” was what Carol though off, as in Rooty-Toot-Toot. Toot-Toot wouldn’t fallen under form of the word.
WORD #2-Richard gives
10: DONKEY-JACKASS 9: MEXICAN-BURRO 16
WORD #3-Carol gives
“How old are you, Richard?” 10: DONKEY-SERENADE (he was old enough)
“Your favorite paper pushers” are going up against “strong competition.”
The Office (playing for Children’s Advocacy Center of NE Pennsylvania): Brian Baumgartner (Kevin), Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), Kate Flannery (Kate), Oscar Nunez (Oscar) and Creed Bratton (Creed) American Gladiators (playing for Women’s Sports Foundation): Laila Ali (host), Wolf, Venom, Titan and Jet
Round 1: Top Six Answers
We asked 100 married women: Name someone who comes to your door that you might be tempted to have an affair with. Laila: Mailman #1 (53) Gladiators:
Wolf: “Water Man”
Venom: Cable Guy #5 (4)
Titan (while flexing): Pool Guy #6 (3)
Jet: Gardener #4 (4)
Laila: Delivery Guy #2 (17)
Wolf: Handyman
Venom: Gladiator
The Office to steal: Pizza Delivery Gladiators get 81
THE MAILMAN
53
THE CABLE GUY
4
UPS/FEDEX
17
THE POOL GUY
3
NEIGHBOR/FRIEND
13
THE GARDENER
4
Round 2: Top Six Again
After a quick arm wrestling match… Name something people blow up. Wolf: Balloons #1 (49) Gladiators:
Venom: Blow-Up Dolls #4 (5 with all types)
Titan: Fireworks #3 (5)
Jet: Mailboxes #5 (3)
Laila: Bubble Gum
Wolf: Pool, Al apologizes to Wolf, but the board’s not afraid
Titan: Bubbles
The Office to steal: Balls Gladiators up to 143.
BALLOONS
49
MAILBOXES
3
BUILDINGS/HOUSES
17
BRIDGES
3
FIREWORKS
5
DOLLS
5
TRIPLE ROUND: Top 4 Answers
No arm wrestling between Kate and Venom, just comparing. Name something people practice doing in a very sexy way. Kate: Talking on the Phone #2 (16) Venom: Dances #3 (One point shy) The Office:
Oscar: Putting on makeup
Creed: Kissing #4 (7)
Brian: Making the Whoopee
Phyllis: Walks (Sweep to Survive, 234)
WALKING
40
KISSING
7
TALKING
16
DANCING
15
SUDDEN DEATH
Oscar and Titan chest bump before coming out fighting (Ouch)…
We asked 100 married men, name something your mother does better than your wife does. Oscar: Cook (and a power pose)…WIN! (71, Total of 447)
SECOND MATCHUP:
A Sitcom grudge match, small town style.
All playing in character The Hickeys (“My Name Is Earl“) (playing for Family Crisis Resources) Earl Hickey (Jason Lee), Randy Hickey (Ethan Suplee, “No Deal”), Joy Turner (Jaime Pressly, “Where’s the Camera?”), Darnell “Crabman” Turner (Eddie Steeples) and Catalina Aruca (Nadine Velazquez, “Hello, all countries that have TVs”) “Camden County All-Stars” (same show) (playing for New Hope Housing of Alexandria, VA, and the leftover cash for a party at Chubby’s liquor) TV’s Tim Stack, Patty the Daytime Hooker (Dale Dickey), Wilford (Tim’s agent), Kenny James (Gregg Binkley) and Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop (Abdoulaye N’Gom)
Round 1: Top Five Answers
We asked 100 women: Name someone you hate to read about the guy you almost married. Tim: He’s has more money #1 (32) Camden County:
Patty: “He Didn’t Like Cars”
Wilford: “He’s Been in Jail” #2 (23)
Kenny “He’s Really Strong”
Nescobar “He’s Stingy”
Hickeys to steal: He Was Your Cousin UUGHH! Camden County gets 55
HE’S RICH
32
HE’S GAY
11
HE’S A CRIMINAL
23
HE’S DEAD/HURT
17
HE’S MARRIED
13
Round 2: Top Four Answers
Name something that makes more noise the older it gets. Patty: Car #1 (62) Passes to Hickeys:
Joy: Babies #3 (7, with all people)
Crabman: Washing Machine #2 (8)
Catalina: Gogo Boots
Earl: Moustaches
Randy: Licorice Sticks
Camden County to Steal: Fridge…#4 for 77 more. (Total: 132)
CAR
62
WASHING MACHINE
8
PEOPLE
7
REFRIGERATOR
5
TRIPLE ROUND: Top Four Again
Name something women wear that hurts. Joy: (started to say Nipple) Wilford: High Heels #1 (43) Camden County:
Kenny: Bra #2 (27)
Nescobar: Tight Skirt
Tim: Thong Panties #4 (5)
Patty: Girdle Total Sweep (Final Score: 423)
SHOES/HEELS
43
BRA
27
GIRDLE
22
THONG
5
FINALS: The Office vs. Camden County Round 1: Top Six Answers
Name something a woman might do if she found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her. Brian: “Get Physical With Him” #2 (30, specifically “Hurt/Kill Him”) Tim: “Kill Him” Divorce Him #1 (37, “Dump Him”) Camden County:
Patty: “Leave an Ugly Answer on his Phone Machine”
Wilford: “Tape Him Singing in His Underwear and put it on YouTube” (I Only Wish I Was Kidding)
Kenny: Just Cry
The Office to Steal: Having an Affair Herself…Got it for 67 points.
DUMP HIM
37
DAMAGE CAR/TIRES
6
HURT/KILL HIM
30
DESTROY CLOTHES
5
CHEAT ON HIM
7
HIT THE FLOOZIE
6
Round 2: Top Five Answers
Name a sexy Jessica. Phyllis: Simpson #1 (36) The Office:
Kathy: Alba #2 (35)
Oscar: Alveraz (Anchorwoman)
Creed: Miss Jessica (His Second Grade Teacher)
Brian: Lange
Camden County to Steal: Tandy (She was so hot…in 1929) The Office goes to 138
JESSICA SIMPSON
36
JESSICA RABBIT
7
JESSICA ALBA
35
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
8
JESSICA BIEL
8
And the others wanted Jessica Rabbit
TRIPLE ROUND: Top Four Answers
Name something about their fathers that kids brag about. Wilford: That their actually their Father Kate: Bigger and stronger #1 (43) Office:
Oscar: Richer #2 (29)
Creed: Gets All the Women
Brian: Smarter #3 (7)
Phyllis: Nicer Car
Kate: Good at Sports
Camden County to Stay Alive: “My Dad’s Not in Jail” Office Sweeps 375
BIG/STRONG
43
GOOD LOOKS
6
GOOD JOB/INCOME
29
SMART
7
“Camden County: All-Stars” receive the $10,000 runner-up prize.
FAST MONEY:
Questions:
We asked 100 married men, name something your wife stops doing when she’s mad at you.
Name something you need to play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey with
Name a big shoe size for a man
Name something a married couple might have two of
Name a part of the body that bends
Brian:
KISSING YOU
0
A PIN
33
THIRTEEN*
23
CARS
28
WAIST
6
TOTAL
90
* (Number #1 Answer)
Oscar:
NAGGING*
39
BULLSEYE
0
TWELVE
21
CHILDREN*
47
ELBOW
40
TOTAL
$50,000237
* (Number #1 Answer) Blindfold was the second #1 answer, Knee/Leg was the 5th.
O: Brenda (married to Louis, a dental technician) X: George Newark (Retired equipment salesman, father of three, grandfather of 10)
Round 1 Prize: Tappan Fridge/Freezer, Dishwasher and Microwave Range ($2,700+)
Brenda starts 1 Foster: You’re a 71-year-old man and find you’re not interested in sex as much as you used to be. Does your doctor have something for you that might help? “He’s gonna let me examine his nurse” “I’ve Tried everything” He was 68 Guess: No Brenda disagrees O (Hormone Injections, Foster’s been taking them for a year) 2 Paul: Rip Van Winkle slept for 20 years and missed a war. Which one? “The one between Tom Snyder and Rona Berrett” Guess: Revolutionary War George agrees X 3 George: In 1853, the United States made the historic Gadsden Purchase from Mexico. What exactly did we buy? “A Portrait in Velvet, George Washington Crossing the Rio Grande in a Row Boat” Guess: Puerto Rico Brenda agrees X (Part of Arizona and New Mexico) 4 John to win: According to the Bible, as a punishment, the Lord didn’t allow Moses to go there. Where? “Yankee Stadium” No Guess! George jumps in with Israel. O (The Promised Land, Canaan) 5 Elayne to win: According to research, if you eat in front of the television, are you probably going to eat more or less than if you ate away from the tube? “If you watched the news, you’d eat less because you’d lose your appetite” She also has a spiel about why she can’t eat Russian Dressing anymore. Guess: More Brenda disagrees X 6 Jack to win: One of your feet is a half size smaller than the other one. What’s probably wrong? Guess: “You’re in foot trouble.” George agrees O (Most people are like that) 7 Steve: In sports, he was known as Smokin’ Joe. Who was that? Guess: Joe DiMaggio Brenda agrees X (Joe Frazier) 8 Pearl for 5-Square Win: According to Dr. Joyce Brothers, should you give a bird as a gift to somebody? Guess: No George agrees WIN! (Along with any live animal)
Today’s Big Winner (Over $4,400): * Trip to Manzanillo, MX (1wk.@ Club Maeva Las Hadas; AeroMexico) * Flexatard Leotards * American Tourister Cross Country Luggage * Eumig Movie Camera/Projector * Trip to Merida, MX (@ Holiday Inn)
George starts 1 Paul: Pope John Paul is learning how to speak Japanese. Why? “So he can read the owners manual on his new Datsun.” Guess: Must be going to visit Japan. George agrees X 2 John: Can a priest adopt a baby? In an Irish brogue, John explains priests aren’t married. If they brought a baby into confession, he’d be in the poor box before you know it. Guess: Yes, John knows a Korean priest who adopted Brenda agrees O 3 Steve: According to the old adage, what will happen if you watch a pot? Guess: The pot never boils George agrees X 4 Foster to block: Normally, elephant’s ears are limp. When they stand straight out, you know he’s what? “Doing a commercial for E.F. Hutton” Guess: Ready to charge Brenda agrees O 5 George (instead of Elayne to block): All other things being equal, will you get drunker at the beach or on the ski slopes? “I’m usually the only guy on the beach wearing skis in a parka.” Guess: Beach George agrees O (Alcohol has a greater effect in high altitudes) 6 Pearl to win: He is the Lord’s messenger in both the Christian and Jewish religion. Who is he? She can’t come up with it. (Gabriel, Peter thought Zsa Zsa Gabor) New Question: Did most people really believe that the Earth was flat during Christopher Columbus’s time? Guess: Yes Brenda agrees X 7 Elayne (instead of Rose Marie):
True or False? They have now flavored fabric softeners. Guess: They have Coconut flavored, “When you’re in the office, your behind can feel like it’s in the Bahamas.” George agrees X 8 Rose Marie to block: True or false? According to the Los Angeles Times, one of the most popular names given to female babies in the year 1890 was Rose. Guess: True Brenda agrees O 9 Jack will decide this: According to the book “What to Do, When, Where and Why” when a man walks with two women, where should he be positioned? On the curbside, inside or in the middle? Guess: In the Middle (“In case they throw garbage out the window”) George Agrees WRONG! (Always Curbside) BRENDA WINS!
And the winner gets a shot at that $100,000 stash, including:
Coachmen 17.5′ Crestline Trailer
Domes America Geodisic House
$20,000 Cash
Brenda starts 1 Paul: According to superstition, it’s bad luck for three people to do this? “Share a lifesaver” Guess: Share a man Brenda disagrees X 2 Steve: He started his show business career as a female impersonator. The show was called “Every Sailor”. He is now a legend and a wonderful man and a big talent. Who is he? Guess: Milton Berle George Agrees O (Jimmy Cagney) 3 Jack: What’s the famous place in New York Who two main goals are peace and human dignity? “I Don’t even know Who Shot J.R.?” (Ask Steve) Guess: Salvation Army Brenda disagrees O (The U.N.) 4 George to block (By George, I think he’s got it): What event inspired Irving Berlin to write God Bless America? “When the IRS failed to audit his income tax return” Guess: The Armistice that ended World War I George agrees: It was the War itself, not the Armistice X 5: John to block: There’s a popular saying that says, if you just look after little things, what will the big things do? Guess (after the horn sounds): “The Big things take care of themselves” Brenda agrees O (Wins 3 to 2)
George’s total (including parting gifts): $3,780 Brenda’s total: $7,370
Closing: A quick run through all our stars-
Pearl Bailey’s performing in Chicago
George Gobel on “Harper Valley P.T.A”
Jack Jones on “The Jack Jones Show” or “The Palace”
Steve Kanaly “Dallas”
Rose Marie’s touring in a show “Four Girls Four”
John Byner “Bizarre”
Images of game board based on original by FromEquestria2LA on Deviantart.
Hollywood Squares is owned by King World Productions a part of CBS Media Ventures
Host: Wally Bruner Announcer: Johnny Olson Celebrity Panel:
Soupy Sales
Meredith MacRae
Gene Rayburn
Arlene Francis
FIRST GUEST: Debbie Kath (Roseville, MN)
She deals with a service and is self-employed.
Soupy: Is it a service I might come to you for? Yes A service in some way or manner touch me? She says yes but after a conference No! $5
Meredith: In your service, do you instruct people? No $10
Gene: Is this a practical service? Yes Is it in the cultural field? No $15
Arlene: Is your service for human beings? Yes Could they ever come to you more than one at a time? Yes Do you work indoors? No $20
Soupy: Do you instruct in any way? Been there, done that! Do it have to do with sports? Yes Is it unusual for you compared to a man? Yes Is this a national sport, or seasonal like football or baseball? No $25
Meredith: Is it a team sport? No $30
Gene: “Do you put the shot?” No $35
Arlene: When you’re involved, are balls involved in some way? No $40
Soupy: Is this a sport where animals would be involved? No (Last Chance)
Meredith: Do you hold something or move something with your hands? Yes Are you involved with chess or bridge? Game Over
Debbie Kath is the youngest female hot air BALLOONIST in the world. And she does instruct, but it’s not her basic job. Ballooning is more about advertising and putting on a show. She can stay up around an hour “while my gas holds up.” (No Fart Jokes, please) All this started after writing a paper for 8th grade about “Stratospheric Research”. Busy for a 19 y.o., Debbie is also her hometown “Miss Roseville.” As for airplane, coming here was her first flight.
NEXT GUEST: Eddie Pulaski (“Fun City”, NY)
He’s self-employed and deals with a product.
Arlene: Is it a useful product? Yes A product one would find in a home? No
Soupy: A man would use rather than a woman? Yes If I wore it, would I look different? Yes Something that would approve my appearance from the waist up? Yes Do you have anything to do with beards? Yes Do you sell fake beards? YES (AND MUSTACHES)
Soupy’s FINALLY GOT ONE THIS WEEK! Mr. Pulaski been at this for a year. He gets many young men who can’t grow their own facial hair. Other clients work in banks or other places that don’t allow it. Eddie’s new career followed 30 years being a barber. Indeed, Gene was a customer and would’ve disqualified himself.
Onto the demonstration, Eddie puts a businessman type on Wally. “It’s a bit difficult to breathe.” Before going to Soupy and Gene, Eddie reveals his fake hair…including his head. He makes hairpieces, too! Soupy (Diabolical, Mitch Miller) and Gene (“Gilded The Lily”)
MYSTERY GUEST
Gene: Are you wearing a beard? Yes (still can’t tell man or woman) Arlene: Is it your own beard? Yes Soupy: Do you have a television show? No Meredith: Are you known primarily for motion pictures? No Gene: Are you an author? Yes, among other fields. Arlene: Are you also a musician? Not particularly Soupy: Are you also an actor? Yes Meredith: Have you ever appeared on Broadway? No Gene (who thought he had it): Are you inscrutable? Yes (both in bad Chinese impressions) Arlene: Have you done any records? Yes Soupy: Do you currently have a record that’s a best-seller? No Meredith: Did you ever have a partner? No, under a minute Gene: Do you have a mustache? Yes Arlene: The last time I saw you, were you not smooth-shaven? Yes Did you write “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah” Yes IT’S ALLEN SHERMAN
Wally declares it’s time to take the fake mustaches off. Allen’s is real! A staff member tried to pull it off backstage. Among other things (writer for “I’ve Got a Secret”) he’s casting a comedy musical for Broadway. His last record “Togetherness” was released about a year prior. Wally recounts a story about Allen and his maid in California. He’d just been fired from “The Steve Allen Show” They were trying to decide who should file for unemployment pay. The other would’ve had to clean the house.
Closing: Big news, Arlene has been elected to the United States Hall of Fame in Washington. To add to that, her son Peter is in Phi Beta Kappa in college.
FIRST TRADER: Susan Morgan (Buffalo Bills linebacker, actually from Utica)
Would you like $5,000 worth of scrap iron?
Sure, she would
She’d even take it in tuna. Actually we were thinking something else…A Chevrolet Chevette 2 Dr. Coupe. Brian gives the price up front and that’s not a mistake. Once Susan has heard the full description, she now has to remember the exact price.
Her guess: $6,500 ARP: $6,288
At least four audience members say they knew it. They won’t get cars and 40 other members are getting a lie detector test instead. Without a car for herself, Monty gives her $100 for a bus ride.
Oops, he forgot to give Susan that $100? While we’re at it, if she can remember the price of that Chevette now, she’ll win…another $100. Susan gets it right!
Well, we’re STILL not done with this car yet
NEXT PLAYER: Steve and Barbara Casort (he’s wearing hard hat with nurses uniform, she’s a butterfly bursting out of a cocoon)
The price of that Chevy hasn’t changed, but that’s not gonna help them this time. Pricing all of these items will, within $10
ITEM
GUESS
Smokers’ Polident (40 tablets)
1.49
Ronson Kleenol Spot Remover Kit
4.89
True Value E-Z Kare Latex Paint (1 gal.)
15.00
Norelco Electric Shoe Polisher
24.50
West Bend Electric Wok
39.22
Before we add it up, let’s give the Casorts a sure thing. It’s a La-Z-Boy Signature II Sleeper Sofa and Sharp 19″ TV. ($1,698) Steve says “Ring up the Total.”
Polident
2.89
Kleenol
4.79
Paint
18.95
Polisher
27.95
Wok
66
TOTAL:
120.58
CASORTS
85.10
Difference:
35.48
The wok was the fatal blow! Monty suggest hitching a ride with Susan, but they prefer home in Santa Barbara. The $100 will be for dinner this time.
We’re giving the Chevette a break as Brian brings a big gift certificate. That’s big size-wise, but value wise?
CURRENT OWNER: Donna Katzen (student nurse with mop head and HUGE needle)
$ 1
Oh, this is a gift certificate for Carter’s Layettes Set. (Donna’s brother has a new baby)
$ 1 4
At this point, our nurse can trade that certificate for Curtain #3. A man dressed as a Zonk will get what’s left. Donna, being a mother of five and not ready to be a grandma, takes the curtain? No, Monty I didn’t get the logic. Donna, however, gets…A FAMILY OF BEARS (from California Stuffed Toys)
NEW OWNER: Cliff Roberts (ZONK! Robot)
Time to reveal some more…
$ 1 4 5
It’s a sure thing or Cliff can trade for Curtain #2? Cliff “Gamble” Roberts takes the curtain.
$ 1 4 5 0
The good news, it’s not bears. The bad news…IT’S A PIGGY BANK!
NEXT TRADER: Charlene Pitcher (dressed as a normal person)
She gets the spotted box which has not one, not two, but three items. Monty will pay $150 for each. She’ll turn down the $450
1. Berkline Wall-Away Recliner
2. Welbilt Electric Radiator
3. Hitachi Stereo System
TOTAL: $1,193.95
MOVE QUICKLY TO: Karen Slusarski (elk, if Playboy chose elks over bunnies)
Curtain #1 has four items…specifically four wheels. Is the Chevette back? Monty offer $100 a wheel…$150. Nope. Karen gets the four wheels and they’re spinning….THREAD!!
SCORES
Charlene
$1,193.95
Susan
$200
Steve and Barbara
$100
Donna
BEAR HUG!
Cliff
OINK! OINK! OINK!
Karen
OVERSPUN!
BIG DEAL OF THE DAY: $7,930
A conflicted Charlene makes the trade. Donna spends less time thinking “YES!” Here’s a sneak preview
There’s some No Nonsense Pantyhose. More on that later, but first we open wide…
Monty’s Piggy Bank alive with cash, just cash. ($333) No one’s bringing home that bacon.
A relaxing Bassett Warrenton Bedroom and Dream Maker Mattress along with Whisper Soft Mills Bedding ($3,419.15) It’s bedtime for…Charlene and her almost-husband Dan. Donna wanted those pantyhose for her four girls.
Gracie Allen lives!
Monty’s words
Along with those nylons, this big deal has some things for just Donna. A Dalton Ladies’ Wardrobe, an Amelia Earhart 3pc. Luggage and…a Dicker & Dicker Davina Mink/Stone Marten Coat ($7,930)
Before the Quickies, we go back to Susan. Before she hops on the bus, another memory test. What kind of car did we have? Chevy is right. What kind of Chevy? Chevette. Right for another $200
Total Winnings: $11,849.15
Quickies: A Scarecrow gets a $100 for an envelope. Could’ve had another $100 except that it had a stamp. And a Peter Pan stand-in gets $100 for a brush.
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