Phyllis Diller

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES-February 1, 1981

Host: Peter Marshall
Announcer: Kenny Williams

O: Bonita Williams (Santa Ana, CA, originally from Nashville with Bahamian accent, former Navy Petty Officer, now a flight operator for major airline)
X: Calvin Rolling (Hanover, PA, high school guidance counselor, married to elem. teacher)

Round 1

Calvin Starts
1 Paul: In English, we know the three daughters of Zeus are Joy, Bloom and Brilliance. Together, they are known as the three what?
“Little Pigs”
Guess: The Three Muses
Calvin agrees O (Three Graces)
2 Marilyn and Billy: True or False? The man who wrote “Easter Parade” and “White Christmas” was Jewish.
Guess: True
Bonita agrees O (Irving Berlin)
3 Phyllis Diller to block: She’s wearing a choker, calling it a tiara worn low.
Question: Who’s the famous artist known for capturing the gay life in Paris?
Guess: Toulouse-Latrec
Calvin agrees X

Prize for Round 1: Chromcraft Dinette Set ($1,200+)

4 Garrett aka Chico Escuela: What does it mean when a baseball player fans?
Guess: Walks
Bonita agrees X (Strikes Out)
5 Robert: On Television, his buddies include Mr. Moose, Grandfather Clock and Bunny Rabbit. Who is it?
“Paul Lynde”
No Guess (Captain Kangaroo)
After Narcissus jilted Echo, who did he fall in love with?
Robert’s rusty in mythology, although he studied at Paloma College. Paloma is the goddess of fruit.
Calvin disagrees O
6 Tom to win: According to studies at Brown University, there are really only two odors that we consider good and clean. One is pine, what’s the other?
Tom: “A Danish”
Peter: “A Sweet Roll?”
Tom: “No, a Danish Flight Attendant”
“Has Paul Lynde been taken?”
Guess: Fresh Air
Bonita agrees X (Lemon)
7 Foster: How many days will uncooked poultry keep fresh?
“We’ll never know, because when we open the refrigerator, it flew away.”
Guess: 3 Days (Foster knows cooking)
Calvin agrees O (4 Days)
8 Elayne for 5-Square Win: According to the Cleveland Plane Dealer, out of every 10 women, how many are overweight?
“So hard to tell.” ” I guess you know you’re fat if your nightgown is pulling in CENSORED”
Guess: 6
Bonita disagrees WIN! (8 out of 10)

Round 2 Prize: Hamilton Charterole Grandfather Clock ($1,800+)

Today’s Big Winner:
* Trip to Kauai (1wk.@ Hanalai Bay, Airfare via Western)
* Botany 500 Men’s Wardrobe
* Skyway 8pc. Luggage
* Catalina His/Her Active Wear
* Fujica AX 35mm SLR Camera

Bonita starts
1 Paul: In his first term, Nixon was a minority president. What does that mean?
“He was Chinese”
Guess: He had the minority of votes and was still elected
Bonita agrees O (Less Than 50% of the Vote)
2 Tom: According to the L.A. Times, when travelling in the Arctic, eskimos usually stop every hour or so and do something. What do they do?
“Make Igloo”
Guess: They Eat
Calvin agrees O (Brew Tea)
3 Robert to win: The date, June 17th, 1972. The Place, Washington D.C.. You are there. What famous event is going on.
Guess: Kennedy took office
Bonita disagrees WIN! (Watergate Hotel was broken into)

Round 3 Prize: Admiral Fridge/Freezer, Gas Range and Dishwasher ($1,700+)

Calvin starts
1 Paul: If you have high blood pressure, there’s something that you’re probably going to have to learn to do without. What is it?
“Old Age”
Guess: Salt
Calvin agrees X
2 Phyllis Davis: According to Ask Beth (a column), if you think a guy has asked you out because you have large bust measurements, should you still go out with this fella?
Guess: “I would”
Bonita agrees (“Me Too” from Foster) O (It’s the only way to know)
3 Phyllis Diller: According to doctors, how long will the average facelift last before it starts to sag again?
“You’re looking at it” Phyllis had on and her own dog didn’t know her. That is, until he ate and threw up his dinner.
Guess: 5-10 years
Calvin agrees X
4 Marilyn and Billy to block: Back in the 60s, hitchhike, jerk and monkey were all what?
Marilyn says it’s before her time.
Guess: Dances
Bonita agrees O
5 Robert: One of the most famous quotes in history was when American soldiers said “Lafayette, We Are Here” Where were they?
“At the Kennedy Inauguration in 1972”
Guess: American Revolution
Calvin agrees O (Coming to the aid of France during WWI)
5 Garrett: What does it mean to talk turkey?
“Are you trying to be insulting?”
Guess:

Video cuts off here. If anyone knows about the rest of the episode, drop me a line.

Images of game board based on original by FromEquestria2LA on Deviantart.

Hollywood Squares is owned by King World Productions a part of CBS Media Ventures.

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES-December 24, 1980

Host: Peter Marshall
Announcer: Kenny Williams

O: Kathy Thomas (homemaker and mother of two, volunteer and married to pianist working the Tropicana)
X: (Mike Baggett, English teacher at Vegas’s Chapparal High School, baseball coach and bachelor)

Round 1 Prize: Broyhill 11pc. Living Room Set (over $2,900)

Kathy’s first
1 Paul: According to Rosalind Carter, how did little Amy take it when she learned she wasn’t going to live in the White House anymore?
“The crying and screaming went on for hours until Amy said, “Knock it off, Daddy.””
Guess: She took it very well
Kathy agrees X
2 Gabe who Mike has fought his image as a teacher for years:
According to Man and Woman Magazine, in an Anfrican tribal village, what does it probably mean when a young warrior puts on makeup and starts dancing.”
“There’s a Peter Allen concert in Nairobi”
Guess: He Wants to be Chief
Mike disagrees X (Wants a wife)
3 Arte to block: Do they sing “Auld Lang Syne” in India?
(Arte replies in Broken Indian I don’t dare repeat)
Guess: Yes, actually a top song
Kathy disagrees WRONG
4 Arte to win: According to the Book of Weird, what happens when a Wolf Man dies?
“He comes back as a mushroom spore” (No Laughter)
Guess: Turns to dust
Mike agrees O (Turns back into a normal man)
5 Phyllis: At a formal dinner, how should you eat frog legs?
Buddy: “After they’re dead”
Phyllis: She was at a restaurant with her dog “Fang”. They got upset because Fang “wouldn’t eat with a knife and fork, because she absolutely loved those goldfish”
Guess: Pick ’em Up and Eat ’em
Kathy disagrees X
6 Greg to win: According to the the book “The Great Quotations”, who is famous for saying “Bolshevism is knocking at our gates. We can’t afford to let it in” Franklin Roosevelt, Winston Churchill or Al Capone?
Guess: Capone
Mike disagrees O
7 Buddy: In terms of radiation, is it hazardous to eat the luminous dial on your wristwatch?
Buddy tells us Radii once made a watch. No numbers, no hands “Just sent out a white light to burn your nose off.” They needed worm blood to dilute the paint.
Guess: Yes
Kathy agrees X “They Don’t taste very good”
8 Patrick to win: Wrong Way Corrigan made a name for himself in the history books. He did something the wrong way, what did he do?
Guess: Ran the wrong Way for a touchdown
Mike agrees O (Flew the wrong way heading to California and wound up in Ireland)
9 Pia to stop a five-square win: According to the fairy tale, the king’s huntsman just couldn’t bring himself to do something when he took Snow White into the woods. What was it?
“How old was he?”
Guess: Couldn’t leave her there
Kathy disagrees O (He couldn’t kill her)
10 Britt to decide: Do you have to pay income tax on alimony?
Guess: Yes
Mike agrees WIN!

Round 2 Prize: Pearl Grandfather Clock ($1,100)

Today’s Big Winner (Over $4,500):
* Trip to Kauai (1 wk.@ Hanalei Bay Resort, Airfare via Western)
* Puch Maxi Moped
* Joy Stevens Ladies’ Fashion
* Venture 7pc. Luggage
* Eumig Nautica Movie Camera/Projector

Mike first
1 Paul: According to studies, will being breastfed make you smarter?
“I’m willing to try anything”
Guess: No
Mark agrees O
2: Patrick: According to the famous line by T.S. Eliot, what ends with a whimper?
Guess: A Love Affair
Kathy agrees X (The World)
3 Arte: In France, you’d be called “”. In Germany you would be called “Schwenger”. What would you be called here?
“Leon Krafty, an expert free thrower”
Guess: Pregnant
Mike agrees X
4 Phyllis to block: It’s proper to give your boss two weeks notice before you quite a job. Acoording to the book of Modern Manners, should a boss give you two weeks notice before he fires you?
“very small office that stops on every floor” or on a map in their office “loosen your tack”
Guess: Yes
Kathy agrees WRONG (He does have to pay you, though)
5 Phyllis to Win: Do Hari Krishna followers wear anything under those orange robes?
Guess: “I Hope Not”
Mike disagrees WIN! (They wear traditional undergarments)

Last Time, they stopped me at the airport. I said I gave him another life

More from Ms. Diller

Round 3 Prize: Jenn-Air Convertible Grill Range ($1,000+)

Don’t forget that $100,000 tournament including…

  • Domes America Geodismic Home
  • Midas Van
  • $20,000 Cash

Kathy Starts Round 3

1 Gabe: In a large area of Europe, if you see a sign on a house with a picture of a green bed, it means there’s a room for rent. What does it mean if the bed is read?
“The person who just used the room had a rash”
Guess: There’s no room
Kathy agrees O
2 Paul: What’s the famous Spanish word that means silly, foolish, stupid, dumb and fool?
“Señor”
No guess “Tonto”
New question: According to research, who are the loneliest people around?
“Chrysler Dealers”
Guess: The elderly
Mike disagrees X (Teenagers)
3 Buddy: Is there such a thing as a kosher pencil?
Guess: Yes, until it gets greasy
Kathy disagrees X (Used by butchers to classify kosher meat)
4 Patrick to win: Who is responsible for sinking a ship named the Essex?
Guess: John Paul Jones
Mike disagrees WIN AGAIN! (Moby Dick)

Round 4 Prize: DuPont Antron III Carpeting

Mike starts
1 Paul: True or False? A man of the cloth gave us bourbon whiskey.
“Bless Him”
Guess: True
Mike agrees X (Elijah Craig, the “Father of Bourbon”)
2 Arte: The Chinese gave us spaghetti, gunpowder and kites. Did they also give us the bagel?
(Broken Chinese with Buddy)
Guess: Yes
Kathy disagrees O
3 Buddy: Back in Ancient Egypt, it was common practice to remove the insides of something, wash the outside stuff it with spices, soak it for 70 days in the salt solution, wash it again, wrap it up and then you’d have…
“It would’ve been be done with the new Chevette but they didn’t have one.”
Guess: A Body (after the honk sounded)
Mike agrees X (2 to 1 win) (It was a mummy)

Kathy leaves with nothing!
Mike’s total: $11,130

Plug for Pia’s new movie “Butterfly” where she plays a 17-year-old. “I skipped two years”

Images of game board based on original by FromEquestria2LA on Deviantart.

Hollywood Squares is owned by King World Productions a part of CBS Media Ventures.